


Bring me Home

by LeoLea



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Awesome Leia Organa, Badass Rey, Evil Snoke, Kylo Ren Backstory, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren Redemption, Multi, Nightmares, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parents Han and Leia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Scars
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-07
Packaged: 2018-06-06 00:06:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6728791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeoLea/pseuds/LeoLea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rey saw behind the walls of hatred and anger and saw Ren's true face . He was afraid of the things he done  , of the things Snoke made him do .She saw all the horrific things he left behind and the way he was desperate to make the right choice .So maybe she couldnt fix him but at least she could stop him from falling apart completely .</p>
<p>~°~<br/>The story of Kylo Ren who came home after a long time and realised what Snoke did to him was just an act of manipulation and control and now struggles to live with the outcome.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bend Me, Shape Me

The first time Rey saw him she was strapped to a chair and he was a faceless monster who tortured her mind when the mask disappeared she was stunned what was behind it.She looked in the cold eyes of a man with wavy black hair and pale skin . She could lie and say that she wasn’t scared to death and wasn’t afraid of the things he might do. 

But then something changed she didn’t know how she did it but she pushed him and his tortures pictures out of her mind and suddenly she saw him the real him .

He was scared more than her and so alone . His face crumbled but he couldn’t push her out . She could feel him every single emotion he had buried under a thick layer of anger and hate . Images about a lonely boy with absent parents morphed into an older but still so young boy who looked so lost and scared .A young woman held him and he clung at her with teary eyes ‘you have to be strong ben . Luke will teach you everything you need to know’ the boy whimpered but stayed silent . He let go of her and walked away. 

The next scene showed the boy sitting alone in a chamber on a small bed . There was something wrong like a dark shadow that creeped around him .There was a voice with no body attached to it that told the young child all the things he wanted to hear ‘you will become the strongest person in the whole universe and nobody will stop you ‘ ‘I will soothe your pain ‘ ‘you are so much better than your uncle ‘ the voice whispered.The boy seemed to be afraid of the voice in his mind he curled up to himself in the corner and hold his head.’I will make you powerful child I will show you the right path ‘ the voices whispered . ‘really?’ the boy whispered his voice was so small and desperate. Rey wanted to hold him and tell him everything would be okay someday but she knew it was too late for that.The next image appeared the boy was now a man his unruly black hair hidden behind the mask. He kneeled in front of a tall figure in black robes’You did well Ren ‘ the figure spoke and she felt a spark of pride in the kneeling man ‘Thank you Master’ he stood up and left .

The next scene looked like the one before but there was one difference the room was filled with fear. Rey could practically taste it . The man kneeled in front of the same black figure . ‘You have disappointed me Ren ‘ the figure said and the kneeling man shifted a bit ‘I will do better!’ he said abd looked up the figure was silent for a second before he took a step forward ‘of course you will’ and then a painful scream filled the air. The man that was kneeling before laid on the ground winding in pain .Gasping for air and trying to supress the tears that threaten to leave his eyes. The figure just stared at the man ignoring the screams and gasps from the him.’you will learn’ the figure said and suddenly the man was silent.Rey thought he was dead but then he moved his head and then scrambled to his feet with shaky legs. ‘your punishment isn’t over’ the figure said and vanished in the dark. The man stood there for a while took a shaky breath and walked in the same direction as the figure. Then an image appeared that made Rey’s stomach churn the no shirtless man was sitting in a small room .He sat there still like a statue. His upper body was litter with scars and purple bruises.But that wasn’t the reason Rey was shocked .His eyes . They weren’t filled with hatred or anger like she expected them to be .They were just empty and soulless without any sign of living behind them . His sweaty hair clung to his forehead and then she saw how young he actually looked .The faceless monster was a mere boy with no sign of life or hope in his eyes .

”GET OUT OF MY HEAD” He screamed and their connection broke apart. Rey looked at him the previously so confident and scary man was now panting and shaking in front of her. She should be angry or scared because now she knew which things he could do with his mind but the only feeling she had for him was pity. In front of her wasn’t a terrible killer just a broken and afraid man who looked at her like she discovered his biggest secret and maybe she did. So every insult she wanted to throw at her when he started to torture his mind was gone and the only thing she could think of was ,”what did they do to you?” 

He was surprised by this question and he opened his mouth like he actually wanted to answer her question before he turned around and left.

Rey was alone again. 

 

~°~

 

Kylo was panting for air when he arrived his chamber .How could she do that? She was a scavenger from a uncivilized planet and she could break all the walls he’d built in his mind and look through his mind ! That wasn’t possible that couldn’t be! He couldn’t let that happen again. No never.. He had to break her or she would break him and he couldn’t let that happen , he wasn’t allowed to. He had to tell Snoke there was no way around . Every inch in his body told him not to but he had to. 

“So a mere scavenger resist your powers?” Snoke asked his tone was mocking .

“ She is strong with the Force with a bit of training she could achieve great things “ Kylo explained but he knew he couldn’t make the situation better.

“Like you?” he asked and Kylo stomach dropped 

“supreme leader i-“ 

Pain shoot through his body. Hux glanced at him with disgust and he looked pleased that Kylo was punished for his failure. He didn’t want to make a noise but a pained gasp disappeared his lips . His knees buckled and he sank on the floor .The pain was only in his head but this didn’t make it better.It felt like his body was burning and torn apart at the same time but as fast as the pain came it also disappeared .

”Leave now “ Snoke told him . Hux eyed him with a flick of glee in his eyes .He hated Hux and he more than wanted to choke him but he angered the supreme leader enough. 

“ yes Supreme leader “ He said with a hoarse voice . He walked out of his quarter and back to the room he left the scavenger .He stopped dead in his tracks. Where did she go? How did that happen? He screamed form the top of his lungs. His fury burnt through every inch of his body . In anger he lashed out with his lightsaber .Where did she GO? No No he had to find her !

“Sir?” Kylo’s head snapped around 

“What “ he barked and the lieutenant backed away . “Find her “ he barked at him .No No nono he had to find her! He screamed again in fury. Snoke would be angry .

 

~°~

 

She sank in the chair .”Are you okay ?” Finn asked.

She nodded “I am just get me out if here “


	2. Changed beyond recognition

The images still floated through her mind .It was easier to hate a faceless monster than an actual human being and Rey wasn’t sure what she had done on his place. Rey had seen her fair share of broken and brutalized people who lost everything and were haunted by their past or their upcoming future .They all had the same look in their eyes. The look that also filled Kylo Ren’s eyes. The knowledge that he wasn’t born evil and just did what he was destined to do didn’t make the whole situation better. He wasn’t innocent with all the things he’d done it would be pure blasphemy to act like he was but she knew that broken people sometimes did terrible things in order to survive without pain for another day. In that way nobody was innocent because everyone did at some point in his life something horrible and didn’t care about the consequences or realised it too late. Ren maybe did more than one thing and he killed a lot of people but Rey knew from the images that was buried deep in his mind that he couldn’t be sane. 

You can’t be sane when a strange voice in your mind tells you what to do . She was sure about that. Ren was someone that was broken one too many times and she was surprised that he was still walking around . 

“we gotta problem” Finn yelled and Rey snapped out of his thoughts .

“what’s wrong?”The buttons on the control console blinked like crazy.

“uhh that’s a good question ..I don’t know” Finn said and looked panicked around 

 

~°~

 

Kylo’s body ached .The scavenger girl disappeared without somebody noticing at first.Ren had to admit that this was impressive she just discovered her abilities and then already tricked them. The stupid mindless troopers were easy to fool but that she fooled him! That was impressive more than he’d like to admit and now he had to live with the consequences . Snoke wasn’t pleased to hear that she escaped and that she tricked him but of course Hux seemed to have the time of his life when Kylo was punished for his failure -weak pathetic child- he couldn’t fail again and he wouldn’t. He would find her and bring her to Snoke but she was already powerful even without any kind of training. What if she becomes more powerful than him? What would Snoke do? He shuddered. He opened his eyes and looked around his chamber . Meditating didn’t help him right now –failure- he had to find her but she could be everywhere. Of course they tried to track her but they already left their range. Hux was fuming when his so glorious idea didn’t work. Kylo could have told him from the start that it was too late for that the girl wasn’t as stupid as she seemed but Kylo kept his mouth shut just a small smirk drawn on his face because Hux looked so ridiculous when he was angry. Kylo stood up peeling himself out of his long robes and stepping in the shower. His chambers didn’t have any extravagance or luxuries just a bed a table a wardrobe and a chair . He knew that some troopers thought he lived in pure luxury but his chamber looked as impersonal and cold as the rest of the base. 

He didn’t need belongings they didn’t have a purpose for him .The only things that were necessary were his mask and his lightsaber . He didn’t need anything else .He shouldn’t shower in the middle of the day but he was sweaty and he felt an itch under his skin. He dried himself of and slipped in his clothes again. 

 

~°~

 

They landed after their small incident safely on D’Qar. Rey was tired she wanted to sleep but as soon as she left the ship people stormed towards her. The crowd open up when General Leia appeared. “ Rey are you hurt ?” Rey shook her head. “I have to tell you something ma’am” The General nodded and Rey followed her to a less crowded area. How should she start? 

 

~°~

 

Kylo wanted to kill Hux .This annoying little brat made his life far worse. When he entered the control room he looked so pleased with himself and smirked at Kylo and as soon as earshot he said with a too pleased expression on his face “ You can’t fail again Ren . The supreme leader wouldn’t be so happy about another failure “ 

“of course not” he spat “Are there any signals of here?”

“No there aren’t signs .We wouldn’t have the problem when she didn’t escape “ Hux said and Kylo wanted to rip of his face. But Hux knew that just one little failure and Snoke would make him wish for death .Kylo gritted through his teeth.

“Yes the trooper who guarded her should be punished “ The trooper would either be reconditioned or killed both not as painful as the punishment Kylo received when he failed in the eyes of Snoke. 

 

~°~

 

“He can be saved?” The general asked. She was now so filled with hope that Rey regretted telling her. 

What if he couldn’t be saved? 

What if he rather dies than come to the light side? 

She shouldn’t have told her because now she was grasping at the tiny hope Rey planted in her heart that would break her if she couldn’t save him.

“He is changed” Rey said “ He is lonely and afraid … of the things Snoke made him do.He is afraid of himself and Snoke ..controls him” She didn’t mentioned the part where she saw him sitting all bruised and broken. 

“I just want him back” the general said and Rey saw that she truly meant it. 

Maybe there was a chance for him and they could bring him back again to the right side. It was at least worth a try . The general talked with some operatives and Rey went back to Finn and Poe.They were talking about different types of ships and Poe gestured affirmative while Finn talked about something . 

“Hey how are you?” Poe asked and looked at her from head to toes.

“Tired “she said and smiled. 

“You can sleep now “Finn grinned and Rey nodded .

“see you later “ she said and walked off but then she was stopped by a loud yell. “We found the place!” She turned ran to the source of the shouting. “We found Luke’s hiding place!”

This day was definitely success .


	3. An horrible day

“They found him?” Poe asked and nearly ran a poor mechanic who was standing in his way over. 

“Yeah they did ..he’s kinda far away “

“where?” 

“Ahch-To that’s like at the end of the galaxy “ Finn said.

Rey never heard about this planet and everyone who knew just one thing about it said that it was at the end of the galaxy and not a planet with a lot of habitants .SO a perfect exile. 

“When do we go there?” Poe asked and Rey saw how excited he was . He told him that he was a big role model for him not for his jedi skills but for his flying abilities and now his eyes sparked like a smuggler that found a ship with abandoned goods. 

“Not now we have to destroy the Finalizer first.” Rey said and the excitement in his eyes died. 

“Yes of course “.

 

~°~ 

 

Kyle screamed in pure agony his body was jerking against the pain that filled every inch of his body .It was all in his head and he could survive it .There was no physical pain for now so why was he screaming?

He angered Snoke even more with his pathetic cries but he couldn’t help it or he would bite his tongue of while trying to be quiet and that would anger Snoke even more. The supreme leader silenced him immediately chocking him so his screams stopped. Snoke would kill him Kylo failed again for the last time in his life..This was humiliating he was writing in pain in front of the generals and other high ranking officials and every one of them either glanced at him with some kind of pleasure in their eyes or didn’t dare to look at all. They couldn’t do anything and they wouldn’t they all hated him and thought he deserved everything of it .

He did.

He failed and failed again he was glad that he wasn’t a trooper or his brain would be fried by now but right now he’d rather be a mindless trooper .The lack oxygen caused him to gasped for air . His head became dizzy and the dark was creeping into his vision. But then the supreme leader stopped and his head fell hard on the floor .The air filling his lungs now burned and he made a miserable coughing sound .

He didn’t realise what was happening around him only that strong hands pulled him upwards and dragged him away . So it wasn’t over yet .The others would take great pleasure in seeing him like this wheezing and sweating like some imbecile. But they couldn’t break him not like Snoke. They could hurt him only under the direct order from Snoke himself and afterwards they feared him even more. 

He escaped in his mind there they couldn’t find him. 

 

~°~

 

Everything was hectic at the base everyone was running around shoving things from one corner to the other. Rey’s mission was to help Han ,Finn and Chewbacca to plant the explosive charge at the generator of the starkiller base and bringing Ren home which of course she didn’t mention to Finn or anyone besides Han solo . They would either succeed and destroy the whole planet or they would die . Rey didn’t want to think about option 2 but she would be rather dead than a slave of the first order. She would die free and for the right thing so yes she did the right thing . 

Finn was bursting with energy he didn’t stop talking until Chewbacca roared at him . Rey couldn’t bring a word over her lips and when the falcon landed on the snowy planet she knew there was no going back . They entered the base with not that much of a problem but then it hit her . Stronger than before the dark that was filling everything here and nearly suffocating her mind .

 

~°~

He could feel her again . She was here!  
“Get the girl ! she is back “ He barked at the general .His voice was still hoarse and his body was just one step away from a total shut down but that didn’t matter he could find her ! He wouldn’t fail again and he would bring her to Snoke dead or alive . 

 

~°~

 

Planting the explosives were a bigger task than she’d thought. The generator was gigantic and the base was filled with troopers and other first order officials that hurried around under the attack of the resistance .They had split up because then it would be faster and then they had more time to find Ren . 

 

~°~

 

“There is one final step to finish your training. You have to kill Han solo “ Snoke said and Kylo nodded eagerly.One final step and he was finally finished just one step.  
“of course Supreme Leader “ He said . He could do it .Solo wasn’t his father anymore and he wasn’t Ben anymore it would be just be another person who found their end in his hands. He was more than capable to finish an old and weak smuggler. This wouldn’t be hard and then his training was over !He walked with steady steps out of the room and the presence of Solo hit him. Soon it would be over. He could see him as he walked over the long bridge.  
“Ben”Solo yelled .Solo had aged and his face crumbled as he saw him. Kylo stopped Solo was weak and old this wouldn’t be hard at all .  
“I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time “ He sneered. Finally! He would make the supreme leader proud.  
“Take of that mask you don’t needed “ he said and took a step forward 

What was that ? A trick? Did this foolish man think he could change him? “What do you think you see if I do?” 

“The face of my son” Kylo took his mask off .He didn’t knew why he did it but when the mask came of he heard a faint gasp from Solo.Why did he play this games? There was no purpose for them! It wouldn’t change anything.

“your son is gone he .. he was weak and folish like his father .. so I destroyed him ” Kylo said .Solo slowly creeped towards him.Kylo could strike him down right now without any kind of a big fight . 

“that’s what snoke wants you to believe my son is alive … look what he did took you “ Solo said and now he was just a few feet away. He could finish him now ! What was stopping him?

“ No the supreme leader is wise…” Kylo said .He knew everything every thought that Kylo ever had every little thing he desired.

“ no he uses you for your power.. and when he gets what he wants he will crush you .You know it’s true . “ Klyo shook his head .

“It’s too late” Kylo whispered. It was he couldn’t stop it now . 

“no it’s not leave here with me .Come home “ Home he wanted to go home - No he couldn’t ! -He wanted his family back he wanted his life back.

“I’ve been torn apart I want to be free from this pain I don’t know what to do! “ Kylo shook his head the lightsabre he held before him was nearly slipping out of his shaking hands.

“I know what I need to do but I need your help” Kylo whispered.

His heart was pounding so hard he couldn’t do it .Snoke would be angry ! -No no - “I- he’ll punish me if I don’t “ His ears were ringing and his mind was screaming-DO it – he wanted to but something stopped him . He failed again Snoke would be furious he failed such a simple task. The ringing became louder and louder he wanted to hold his ears and make it stop.

How can he make it stop? 

“He won’t get you son. Come home …please” 

Kylo shook his head his vision became blurry.The pain became worse and worse.He couldn’t !He really couldn’t do it anymore .It hurts too much .

“He'll hurt me! He- I can’t do it anymore!”

“you don’t have to “ Solo said. He was lying he couldn’t be right ! 

Suddenly there was a sting of pain in his neck. He starred at his father shocked “wha-“ then his vision went black.


	4. Haze

Rey had one chance to knock Ren out one chance or something bad would happen. Han was talking with him at first Ren seemed to ignore the words of his father but then he took his mask of and Rey had to bit her tongue or else she’d gasped. His face was just a huge bruise. He had a big purple bruise on the side of his face and a long cut over his right eyebrow. He was barley holding together and Rey didn’t want to know how the rest of his body looked under the thick robe .

This was her chance he was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t saw her creeping behind him and firing the tranq gun at his neck . He didn’t move for a second and Rey feared that the dose was to low but then he fell over in the arms of his father who struggled to hold him upright . 

Finn ran to him and help Han so Ren didn’t fell down and Rey was glad that Finn didn’t look too surprised when they dragged him from the bridge and handed him Chewbacca. Ren looked small in his arms and nobody said a word until they reached the falcon Han looked pale and didn’t shift his gaze from Ren away who was currently laid in a small bunk from Chewbacca. Then without a word he went to the cockpit .

They started the engine the base exploding behind them.Kylo laid slack in the small bunk Chewbacca stuffed him in .Rey didn’t know why but she took a few steps forward until she was just a few inches away from the sleeping sith. They needed to check him for injuries but he didn’t appear to be unstable so they could wait until they were in a safer terrain. 

Rey brushed his hair out of his face it clung to his forehead in sweaty strings. This was the first time she’d seen him so close and wasn’t busy with being tortured .His robe was thick and there were so many layers!

How long does it take to get into that?

She chuckled as she imagined him in the morning struggling to get his head through the right hole but her small laugh died soon in her throat because he was still a murder .

She couldn’t stop herself and touched the thick fabric . It looked rough but expensive and was softer than she expected but she wasn’t sure how he survived a day in Jakku with this clothes . It was a mystery for her . 

Then she saw a spot on the side of his robe at first she thought it was just water but when she touched the spot her finger weren’t coated in water. 

She froze “FINN I need your help” 

Finn appeared a few seconds later in the small room “What’s wrong?” he smiled at her but looked confused when he she meet his eyes . Then his gaze wandered to Ren .

”he’s hurt I need your help “the smile in Finns face faded “okay “ 

“we need to get him out of his clothes “ and that was harder than she thought .His clothes were actually made of tons of layers that were strapped to his body. She was just a second before she would cut him out of his clothes when they finally peeled him out of his clothes .

”Shit” Finn said and Rey agreed with him . Ren was a mess. His torso was littered with cuts and bruises and she wasn’t sure how he could still walk around or fight . There were 3 cuts that still oozed blood and she grabbed a medi pack. She had patched herself up countless times so this shouldn’t be so hard right?

“Let me do that “ Finn shushed her away and started to clean his wounds and search for other injuries in a far more clinical way Rey ever could manage to do so.

“you did that before?” Rey asked and looked at Finn who put a bacta patch at one of the 3 deep cuts. 

“ Yeah necessary when you work for the first order “ 

His hands didn’t make one useless move or touch and soon he leaned back and said,” That’s all I can do . there isn’t something broken or at least nothing that I can feel right now .The bruises over his ribcage suggest that he might have one or two bruised or broken rib but we can’t do anything about that right now . He might have a concussion or at least a really bad headache when he wakes up “ Finn talked in a so serious and flat tone she couldn’t believe it’s him.

“Okay… “ he still looked more dead than alive . 

“how did he even manage to walk around ?” Finn asked .

”I don’t know… should we tell Han?” Rey didn’t look away from Ren .He was in a horrible shape and now they could see his whole body which just made him looked more broken . They had to tell it Han but Ren was still his son even after all this time . 

“Yeah.. I think so..” Finn didn’t look happy either. 

 

~°~

 

Kylo’s mind was in a haze .He struggled against it but every time his mind cleared a bit a sharp pain jolted through his body and the haze thickened even more than before . 

What happened? 

He couldn’t concentrate for more than a few seconds before the haze swallowed him again. The last thing he remembered was that Snoke gave him the order to kill Han Solo. 

Did he do it? 

He didn’t or why else was he trapped in this nightmare? 

Was that his punishment? 

What was the purpose of that?   
Maybe he’d fried his brain like he did with rebelling troopers and made him to a mindless marionette. But if this was his plan why didn’t he do it before? If he could control him so much better in this state why didn’t he do that right from the beginning? 

Maybe this was truly his punishment.

 

~°~

 

Rey looked at Ren who shifted and whimpered on his bed. His naked torso was tangled in the thin blanket Han had laid over him previously. She wouldn’t forget Han’s eyes when they showed him Ren. He had stood there for a long time just looking at his broken son then he moved forward with Rey’s and Finn’s gazed fixed to him. 

“What have I done?” he whispered .

it wasn’t a question anyone of them could answer.

He cautiously stroke Ren’s cheek and the former sith whimpered at the touch . His hand snapped back afraid that he might have had hurt his son .Rey didn’t mention that he clearly saw the tears in his eyes and she was thankful for Finn doing the same .

 

When they landed Chewbacca carefully lifted Ren up and carried him out of the ship . People immediately ran to them when they saw who laid in Chewbacca’s arms . 

“ Bring him in the medcenter “ Han said to Chewbacca and the hairy giant walked away. Rey followed him and starred at the medics who didn’t even blink when a former sith was laid on their table . 

“Who patched him up?” one of them asked Rey.

”Finn did “ 

“tell him he did a good job . “ He said .

 

”where is he?” a familiar voice asked and Rey turned around .The general stormed down the corridor followed by Han, Finn and Poe. The general stopped in the door frame at the sight of her son. 

“What happened to him?” she asked in the room . Everybody stopped for a second

“He said that Snoke… will hurt him and that he’ll be punished… I don’t know what he did to him” Han said and the general’s eyes widen in shock .

Did Snoke do everything of that?

“Did he say something else?” she asked and stood now beside her son . Han was ghostly pale as he spoke. 

“He mentioned something he had to do … that he needed my help and that he didn’t want to do this anymore.” 

Every single person in the room was silent . Even Finn looked like he was about to faint. The silence was just stopped by the voice of the general “How…How badly is he hurt.” 

The medics didn’t seem to be comfortable about telling her. “he doesn’t have major injuries , a lot of bruising and two cracked ribs . He also has a concussion so he needs to rest and enough fluids but there are an …. Unsettling amount of scarring on his body from different causes and he shows.. Signs of torture and there is bruising around his throat that suggest that somebody tried to strangle him .”The general didn’t look away from her son.

 

“My poor child I failed you “she whispered 

 

~°~

 

He was cold ?

Why was he cold? 

There were hands touching him and poking him. He wanted to move but his limbs were too heavy .What are they going to do now

And where were his clothes?

No no nonono ! 

He had to get up he was far too vulnerable like this. There was a hand on his face. A gentle touch stroking his cheek .

What kind of a game was that? 

He needed to get up now! The gentle touch felt wrong like poison that was about to melt his skin away. 

This was a trick. 

Something bad would happen but before he had the chance to think about it further he was pulled back in the dark.


	5. Not quite sane

He wasn't cold anymore and the fingers that touched him disappeared and any other sensation left him .

Kylo's mind had cleared so much that he remembered that he'd truly failed his last mission.It was so easy his father didn't even had a weapon pointed at him . This had to be the easiest kill he'd ever done in his life but he didn't do it!

Why didn't he do it?

He had failed often enough and he wasn't allowed to fail again . The supreme leader would punish him if not kill him for this pathetic failure . But it wouldn't be a clean and fast death not at all . Snoke wouldn't do him this favour or he wouldn't kill him at all. Which fate was worse Kylo wasn't able to tell . He'd failed such an easy task and when he had to face Snoke he couldn't really explain him why he'd failed . That would be a much bigger humiliation than his actual failure . Snoke would force him to explain everything in front of all the high ranking officals and Hux would smile at him with pleasure written all over his face . Not that he actually had to tell him .Snoke could read his mind as soon as he stepped in the room but this was a part of his punishment . Sometimes it was worse than the physical pain . 

He didn't want to know what happened when he would wake up . He failed a task that even some mindless trooper could accomplish . He didn't know why he couldn't do it something held him back something stopped him and he couldn't force his hand to strike his father down . 

So he tried to stay as long as possible in his foggy mind and appreciate the last moments without any pain and the blissful unawareness. 

 

~°~

 

Rey was sitting in the medcenter and watched over the sleeping sith who laid on a small bed a was covered with a thick blanket . 

She had never seen someone sleeping so restless and tense in her whole life . He looked like he was about to bolt any second and the deep frown on his sleeping face made him look even more haunted and haggard . 

The general or how she ordered Rey to call her now Leia stayed with her son the whole time . She stood next to his bed and watched over him like a hawk and let nobody near him expect the medics. Han disappeared soon after the medics told them what had presumedly happened to Ren .She had never seen such an expression on his face and Leia didn't seemed to be mad when he left soon after the medics disappeared . 

Leia didn't move the whole time she just held Ren's big hand in her own . Ren looked so huge against her and if Rey didn't knew that she was his mother she would never have guessed in her life that these two are related . 

And like she heard her thinking about that she said,

” He always looked so much like his father . He …. blamed himself for everything that happened “ 

“It's not his fault “ Leia turned for the first time away from her son and smiled at them with sad eyes 

“I told him that every single day but that just drove him away “ 

Rey couldn't imagine how it had to feel to loose a child in this way and knowing that their own child turned out to be against everything they were representing . This was the only blessing she had for not knowing her parents . 

Leia didn't talk after that and stopped moving again . But then after 2 hours of her standing by the bedside of her son she had to leave . They had to talk about the next steps against the First order because now the resistance had a big advantage against the now weakened First order .

So now Rey , Finn and Poe were setting in the medcenter and waited . Finn and Poe were sitting close to each other and were silently talking about something . Rey still couldn't believe that the same Person who had showed her the worst fears she had buried in her mind was now laying on the small bed looking more dead than alive. 

“it's getting harder to hate him now …. you can't blame someone who looks like that , “ Poe said and leant forward . 

“He still killed lots of people ….. and tortured you “ Poe flinched at the mentioning of the word torture . It was still a sore subject for him and Rey wanted to kick Finn in the shin for saying that so bluntly . 

Their tense silent was only interrupted by the low whimpering sound that escaped Ren's mouth . Their gazes fell to him as his body made small jerky movements and Rey didn't want to know what was going through his mind right now . 

“what do we do when he wakes up?” Finn asked and Rey didn't know what she should say because she really didn't know .

 

~°~

 

There were voices in the room but he couldn't quite catch what they were talking about . The voices belonged to a woman a two men and they didn't seem to be upset or angry so it couldn't be Hux. Hux had dragged him to the supreme leader as soon as he had opened his eyes and would have smiled while doing so . He didn't care if he was in pain or barely conscious but he wanted to be the first who dragged Kylo to Snoke .

The pain that fled through his body was worse than he'd imagined . His head pounded like a banta crushed it and his whole body was heavy as a rock. He couldn't lift his limbs even though he tried . He couldn't even lift his eyelids but his mind had cleared enough that he knew that he was laying on a bed and that his wounds were patched up . 

So Snoke wouldn't kill him if he took the time to order someone to heal him. This was at least something . He wouldn't die but he would definitely suffer . 

He took a deep breath and groaned immediately as the pain shoot like acid through his veins . 

 

The voices stopped and his heart began to beat faster in panic . 

Did they know he was awake? 

Would they drag him to the supreme leader ?

He couldn't stand so how was he supposed to endure his punishment? 

The voices started to talk again and his inner panic became less intense . They didn't knew that he was awake that was good but then a hand touched his face and his whole body went rigid. 

NoNononon! 

They shouldn't know he was awake!

The hand stayed at his face stroking his cheek ? 

What was that? 

That was nearly a gentle gesture but he didn't deserve that .   
He wanted to get away .

Now! 

His eyes flew open and the bright light attacked his eyes and jumped to his feet . His back collided with the wall . He didn't know where he was the light was too bright and the room didn't look like any room on the base ?

His breath came out in painfully choking gasps and his whole body trembled .He knew that his body couldn't stand much longer . The 3 people he heard before stared at him with shock . He recognised their face immediately. 

“No” he rasped before he fell forward . 

 

~°~

 

Ren had suddenly groaned in pain and their conversation stopped . Their gazes went to the sleeping man who seemed to be in immense pain . She didn't know what came over her when she walked to him and stroked his face in a soothing gesture . Rey didn't know why she did it but she wanted to somehow calm him down .

If she had known that this had a the total opposite effect she'd never done it. 

Ren jumped all of the sudden upward and crashed against the wall . He was shaking and trembling and looked around the room like a frighten animal. Before his stare stopped at them and his face went paler than she thought was actually possible . “No” was the only thing he had said before he fell forward in Rey's arms .

The tall man struggled weakly against her grip before he went limp . Rey was glad that Finn and Poe were right next to her because the man was pretty heavy and it took all their strength to get him on the bed again . 

When they had finally gotten him on the bed again Finn asked what everybody was thinking ,

“ What the hell happened right now?” She wasn't sure how he was actually able to stand and jump like that . That was quite impressive for a man in his state . 

“ He freaked out . I've seen something like this before sometimes when a soldier comes home after a long time they are changed . Sometimes they become insane sometimes they never talk about what happened to them but all of them have the same stare like he had . I don't know what you can do against that but sometimes the ones that became crazy looked more sane than the ones that didn't “Poe said and in the look of his eyes Rey knew that he was serious .

She didn't know which fate she wished for him . Without another word she turned around and left them behind . She had to tell Leia .


	6. Wake up call

“He woke up?” Leia asked and stood up from her chair.

She was in still in one of the big conference rooms and Rey might have interrupted their meeting but Leia told her she should call her under any circumstances if Ren would wake up .It made her more than a bit uncomfortable that now 10 pairs of eyes starred at her . She didn't even know half or their names and no she interrupted them while the probably were doing some important work. They all seemed to be at least 20 years older and a lot more skilled than her . 

Now all eyes laid on her as she told Leia ,” He sort of woke up? He jumped up and collapsed a few seconds later . He is asleep again but I thought I should mention it because he looked really ….. scared when he woke up . “ 

Leia's face soften and she said” I think we should make a break her “ She looked at everyone and they nodded in approval not that they had a real choice Rey already knew that Leia was an impressive and stubborn woman and she had Rey's respect .

Leia walked straight to the medcenter her face an impassive mask but this mask slipped when she saw her sleeping son curled up on the bed with a blanket lazily thrown over him. He looked sweaty and more tense than before and she didn't thought that was possible. Poe and Finn stood in the same place as Rey left them . 

“ General “ Poe said and stepped back . 

“What happened ? “ They all looked at each other for a few awkward seconds before Rey began to speak,

” He made some noises while he was sleeping …. and I thought he was in pain so I went to him and checked and I touched him just for a second out of reflex and that woke him up ? He jumped up and then he just said 'No' and was unconscious again. “

She didn't look in her eyes because for some reason she felt guilty . It was irrational she wasn't the person who hurt him but she felt like she didn't really help him with her great idea of touching his face .

 

~°~

 

Kylo knew that this had to be a trick .

There was no way around it Snoke was playing with his mind and showing him false pictures . That wasn't possible this was just a mind trick another form of punishment for his failure . But it felt so real? 

No that was a trick!

They couldn't be here !

And if they really were here they had already killed him so this was a mind trick of course . Snoke did that sometimes if he thought Kylo didn't try hard enough .It was a strategy to strengthen his mind so he wouldn't fall for the light side again . But this one was different ? He understood why the girl was in it but why the trooper and the pilot?

He didn't know maybe when we wakes up again and was still trapped in this tortures mind game they would start to do the same things as everyone did in here. They would maybe torture him , peel of his skin and crush his bones until he screamed his throat raw or they would get creative but it wasn't as bad as it sounded because he knew that it was just a trick just a bad dream that would end if the supreme leader decided that his punishment was over . 

Snoke showed him what they really thought of him even before he became his apprentice . His father hated him because he wasn't like the son he'd wished for himself . He wasn't the child he deserved and that's why he was never there . Kylo knew that he feared him and that he hated him for being too much like Luke . That's why they sent him to Luke because he didn't fit in . He couldn't control his powers and his mother then decided that he was too dangerous to be around so they left him with Luke and he was still a child ! 

But he didn't know how they had suffered their life but then why did they leave him behind? It wasn't his fault .

And then Snoke showed him his whole potential that he'd never discovered under Luke's lead. He was so much stronger now . Snoke broke his mind so he could become stronger and better. He wasn't weak anymore . Snoke showed him everything he needed to know and for that he was more than grateful and when his punishment was over he would never fail again in his life .

 

~°~

 

Poe and Finn had left a few minutes after and now she was sitting with Leia in the small room . 

“ He changed so much “ Leia said and looked at her sleeping son that laid still in the bed .

“ I never thought I would see him again in my life “ Poe had already told her in vague details what happened to Ren and she couldn't bring herself to ask Leia about that because it never seemed to be the right moment . 

“When did he left?” Rey asked and Leia turned to him “he was 15 . Just a kid that didn't knew better … “ Rey could hear the deep regret in her voice but this was interrupted by a low groan that came from the other side of the room.

 

~°~

 

Slowly he opened his eyes and let them adjust to the light . His head wasn't so foggy anymore and his limbs didn't weigh a ton but he still felt horrible . He moved a bit and groaned in pain not caring anymore the people that were in the room already knew that he was awake judging by there sudden conversation ending . He looked at the ceiling and noticed something was off . 

He wasn't in the med station on the base ?

Where was he? 

He sluggishly lifted his drowsy head and froze instantly . 

His mother and the girl stared at him. 

What?

Where did his mother come from and why was she here? 

He thought it was over but apparently it wasn't. It felt strangely real and maybe Snoke wanted to punish him really hard this time but they didn't do anything just starred at him and waited like he was in control here? 

Then his mother took a step towards him her hands held in a defensive gesture showing him that she didn't have a weapon . 

He looked at her for the first time in years even though he knew that this was just an illusion and everything would vanish in the end . She had aged but not in a bad way and she was smaller maybe it was because he had grown so much or maybe she had shrunken a bit overtime maybe it was a bit of both . She still looked like his mother that had left him years ago and this somehow made his heart clench painfully . 

If she is a part of the illusion it would hurt more it always did when one of them was there and he knew that everything they did was what he deserved . She was now standing a few feet away from him if she'd reached out she could touch him but she didn't at least not yet . Maybe she wouldn't hurt him physically but he didn't care it didn't really matter anymore because he deserved it .

“ Ben? “ she asked and somehow her voice startled him . S

he looked at him with pain filled eyes and Kylo felt all of the sudden horrible .

“Can you hear me?” She asked. 

What was that? 

Why didn't she start something? 

Kylo waited a few seconds before he nodded slowly . This was the strangest illusion he had ever experienced . 

“Do you what happened?” He nodded . 

Of course he did he wasn't stupid . She looked relieved and then continued ,” You are in the Resistance base in the medcenter because you were injured . “ 

He looked down at himself and realised that his shirtless and bandaged up . He grew more and more annoyed with this game couldn't they finally start? 

Why bother talking? 

“Can we finish this charade now?” he asked bluntly and brushed his hair out off his face. 

They both looked suddenly very confused . 

“What do you mean?” his mother asked and he internally groaned in frustration. 

He definitely would never fail again. 

“I'm tired of this illusion . Do what you have to do and then leave me alone I accept my punishment but please just START” he particular yelled the last word out of frustration. His mother suddenly looked like somebody punched her right in the face. Couldn't they finally start now? 

“Ben... this isn't a punishment-”

“of course it is ! Just start I don't want to hear this nonsense and I'm getting tired of this illusion .I failed the test because I couldn't kill him so please go on . I know that my punishment isn't over so hurry up . “ Kylo said flat and he was getting more annoyed every second they tried to behold this stupid act.

“Ben this isn't a dream “ his mother said and he just laughed. Snoke really got creative with this one . 

“Your father saved you and brought you to the resistance base .This isn't a trick everything is real in here and nobody wants to punish you. “ 

Kylo really laughed again . This was getting boring and he wanted it to end now! 

“ Of course you wouldn't . I think the supreme leader won't hesitate to break at least one or two bones . Seems so that he really got creative this time? So I guess everybody will be there and watch. Oh Hux will be happy that I get what I deserve I can already see his smirk . He won't shut up about it for sure maybe he get's his chance this time “ Kylo sneered and stared at all of them . 

Soon they would vanish like the morning fog . But what if they didn't?


	7. Remains

Rey looked at the crazy looking man who sat in front of her with a blank expression on his face .

He thought this was a dream?

He thought he was still with Snoke who apparently tortured him with illusions and broke his bones for fun?

She didn't even know Snoke but she already hated him to her bones .On Jakku she had seen a lot of horrible people some that wasn't even worth to be called like that . Slavers and smugglers who just wanted to make profit but Snoke seemed to be bigger number of the horrible people scale. 

Rey hated to say that but every single detail she got from Ren made her pity him even more which she shouldn't do because he killed tons of people and tortured one of her friends but the way he blankly accepted every horrible thing that might have come to him in the next moments made her feel uneasy so it was no wonder when she felt a rush of pity flooding through her.

Leia was surprisingly calm and thoughtful about every word she said to her son .Her voice was steady and unthreatening and Rey thought she couldn't do that in her place she would probably freak out . 

“ Ben this isn't a dream or an illusion . You are in the medcenter of the resistance base and nobody here wants to harm you. “ 

Ren looked annoyed by now his eyes switching between them and his muscle tense . He was shaking his head hair dangling from one side to the other . He looked right now more like a toddler that was having a temper tantrum than an evil killer .

“Stop this stupid act ! I accept my failure but stop it .I don't want to see this anymore … stop acting like her and just finish your work .” He sneered at her and closed his eyes. He truly believed that this was a dream and Rey didn't know what to do but then she got an idea. 

This idea sure would get her killed in some way or another but she still walked to Ren she was just a feet away from him .She really hoped that this would work if not she was making a fool out of herself right now. She reached for his mind . it was a lot easier this time maybe because he didn't resisted or maybe she got better in it but this wasn't important right now .

She showed him everything that had happened after he was knocked out everything that would make him believe them that this was actually real and not a dream Snoke had forced him into. His eyes shoot opened and the look at his face was first a mixture between annoyance and confusion but then it was just pure shock. He stared at her with wide questioning eyes as she showed him everything . 

“No....” he whispered and Rey let go of him . Leia who had watched the whole scene silently took a step towards him .

“It's true you are save” Rey said and looked the disbelieving Ren in the eyes. Ren seemed to start to believe them now but he also looked like he was about to faint any second. 

“He isn't here?” he asked slowly and Rey already knew who he was referring to.

“No he isn't . we destroyed the base .” Ren's eyes became huge . 

“No No no ! That's my fault ! I failed ! He'll punish me for leaving! You shouldn't have taken me . you should have killed me! “ He said louder and jumped of his bed . 

He started to walk restless through the room gripping his hair and mumbling these words to himself. They both stared helplessly at him . How do you calm down a sith down? Rey was right now glad that Leia was here and not Finn and Poe because they would have get them killed for sure. 

“Ben. It's not your fault .Listen to me everything will be fine you just need to calm down and listen to me can you do that for me?” She asked and Ren stopped in his tracks. Leia had something in her voice that made her much authoritative and stronger than she appeared at the first glance .

Ren's face was filled with pure and bone crushing fear and he looked more like a ghost than a actual human in this room . “You are save “ she repeated for minutes until Ren sat down again and didn't look like he would escape in the next good moment. 

“ You are real?” he asked and his voice was so small that it broke Rey's heart , 

“Yes we are .” Leia said and took his hand in her own . Ren looked at her hands for a moment before he slowly reached out with his other hand and touched the tips of her fingers. It was such a strange scene . “He showed me illusions of father and... you .. to make me stronger … it always felt so real .. the pain , the hate , everything but not like this... this is real? I never thought ….” He didn't finish the sentence . 

The words didn't make sense to Rey but Leia seemed to understand everything he was trying to say.

 

~°~ 

 

This wasn't an illusion? 

Kylo couldn't believe his eyes his mother was actually standing in front of him?

When she held his hand he knew that it wasn't a dream. In an illusion everything felt cold and inhuman but her hands were warm and he could feel the warmth that was radiating from her body . He was stunned he actually didn't know what to say. He looked at his mother she repeated the same words for a long time until she thought he finally believed him .

He maybe actually did, “ Ben.” 

No the name felt wrong like old remains that were fetched out from a long gone person and were now forced back on him. He wasn't Ben anymore . Ben died when he killed for the first time in Snoke's name . Ben was long gone and he wasn't sure if he ever comes back . He couldn't pretend to be Ben because he didn't know how Ben would have turned out to be when nothing happened to him. He was Kylo a monster , a killer and a apprentice from Snoke . He didn't fit in here and he never would .

 

Snoke would be furious with him and he would suffer for sure but his mother said he was safe. -No you have to go back – He wasn't save he had to go back . 

Snoke helped him so much with everything more than Luke ever did he had to go back .Maybe he wouldn't be killed and he could finish his training some day?

Maybe not but he had to go back because Snoke was his master and nobody else could help him. He praticular see Snoke looming in front of him and being disappointed to have such a weak student. He tried ! He always tried but Snoke was never quite pleased so he had to be better . 

Kylo knew that Snoke would decide what would happen to him and this was alright because Snoke was wise and strong . So Kylo would accept everything what would happen to him and if Snoke would decide that he wasn't longer worthy his time this was acceptable for him too.His mind snapped back to the reality when his mother called his name again. 

“Ben,you didn't seem to be quite here for a moment did you hear what I said?” Did she say something? He didn't have heard her so he shook his head . The girl looked at him confused but his attention snapped back to his mother “I said that I wanted you to know that Rey and I have to leave not for long and that somebody else will be staying with you is that okay? “Kylo nodded because what else could he do? 

“ I don't really know who will it be or when but I will be back in no time and I could bring your father ?” Kylo froze . 

His father was here too? 

He didn't leave?  
This surprised Kylo actually and he nodded slowly . 

 

~°~

 

Leia talked to Ben for a while until she realised that something was wrong . 

Kylo was starring at his mother no he was starring through his mother .His eyes were unfocused and didn't move at all. He'd completely zoned out and didn't appear to listening to her at all. It was scary and it took her some time to get him back to reality . 

He didn't seemed to have noticed it and this made it a lot more horrific. She had seen something like this before but never in her life she had imagine that her son would have this stare in his eyes. 

She needed Luke because maybe he could help him.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like it xx


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